Parents Corner
Adoption || Biblical Truths || Education || Helpful Techniques || Let me tell ya || Parents and Teens ||
Single Parents || Medical || Tried and True || Moms Escape || Parenting Discussion Forum || Parents Home

Bible Tossin' Momma

Lissa M. Lee

Looking back over the last 19 years of my life, I am amazed beyond my wildest imaginations sometimes. Not only was I single mom; I was the soul breadwinner, disciplinarian, taxicab driver and project supervisor - your basic factotum to three precious miracles on loan from God. And we had survived intact - not victims of the single parent nightmare often touted by the media. I will be the first to admit, I didn't do it alone. Family, friends, church, school, sports and community were all key factors in molding my three treasures. But despite all the support I received, there were moments when I felt overwhelmed and defeated. Fortunately those days were few and far between. I credit that to the fact I was just so busy trying to survive I didn't have time to host an entire social season of pity parties.

"Would you like tears or sobbing in your cup?"

But listening to a newly separated friend struggle with the anger, hopelessness, loss and heartbreak of her failed marriage, I remembered some of those dark days. I remember wanting the world to just stop spinning so I could climb off a while and rest. Many times I felt like a child standing outside a store window, face pressed flat against the glass, fogging up the view with every warm breath, just watching. Seeing all the other happy people passing by and thinking they must know something I don't. They're happy. They get it. What's wrong with me?

The hardest part of any divorce is the acceptance of the loss of the dream. Every girls' fantasy to find her knight in shining armor, ride off into the sunset and live happily ever after. To realize that dream is now shattered, was and still is the hardest part of divorce for me.

All my life I thought if you read your Bible, prayed, played by the rules and did good, your life would be good. I have since learned that is only partially true. It was in one of those dark dismal days that I discovered one of the secrets that began to enable my healing process.

After a rather distressful day, I climbed into bed exhausted and scared to death of life. The realization that three innocent lives were completely and totally dependant on me for survival, was more terrifying to me as plummeting from the top of the tallest building. I had allowed my thoughts to roam freely in the valley of fear. Every scenario I could imagine of doom and gloom paraded in and out of my mind's eye complete with digitally mastered color and enhanced Dolby surround sound.

I began to cry. The tears mushroomed into full-scale sobs. The inability to gain control of myself caused even more panic. The more I cried the more I tried to stop. The harder I tried to stop, the more I cried. The vicious cycle eventually exhausted me and there were just no more tears to release. I sat on my bed, lamp on, hugging my knees sniffling and rocking back and forth like a small child. Spying my Bible on the nightstand, I grabbed it and flung it across the room.

"God! I hate you!" I screamed at the darkness of my bedroom. "I hate everything about my life. It's not fair. I was the one who was faithful. I was the one who was responsible. Why am I the one sleeping alone?"

Another gush of tears ensued.

Then the room grew still. An eerie sense of reverential fear iced up my spine. My body shuddered with the chill. The harshness of my words began to convict my soul that I might have just crossed over that invisible sacred boundary line between God's grace and unrepentant blasphemy.

"Oops..." I thought, "I'm glad the kids are in the other room so when mommy gets sucked into the earth or crystallized into a mound of salt or charred into a puff of smoke on the ground, they won't be wounded. But then I realized I hadn't been vacuumed, crystallized or charred. I was still sitting on my bed.

Ever so carefully as to not cause the slightest shift in the atmosphere, I eased off my bed and tiptoed across the floor to retrieve my Bible. Now I know some people read the Bible by the random page flipping selection method. And that's okay. But I had never felt that was acceptable for me. I had 20 years of Bible study under my belt. I assumed God expected more out of me. My Bible study had always been regimented and followed a specific game plan. None of this free esoteric style of Bible study for me!

But that night when I bent over to pick up my Bible, the opened page instantly caught my eye. And there underlined in red were these words...

For in Christ the fullness of God lives in a human body, and you are complete through your union in Christ.

I read it again - you are complete.

You are complete!

You're not a half of anything.

You're not half a couple.

You're not half a parent.

You're not half an employee.

You're not half of anything.

You are complete.

You are a whole.

I can't begin to describe the immediate release of peace that rushed into my heart. It was my own personal Pentecost. For at that moment the Holy Spirit came flooding in my room like a mighty wind blowing away all the doubts, fears and worries I had been wrestling with all that day.

The words to the old hymn began to rise up in my heart. I gathered my Bible in my arms and began to quietly sing?

"When peace like a river attendeth my soul,
When sorrows like sea billows roll
Whatever my lot
Thou hast taught me to say
Even so it is well with my soul.
It is well, with my soul.
It is well, with my soul."

That night I slept cradled in the strong safe arms of my Savior. And from that point on, no matter how scared or overwhelmed the situations I confronted were, I'd remind myself, I am complete in Christ. I don't have to feel like I'm incapable. In Christ, my kids and I did survive.

Lissa M. Lee is a "retired" single mom of three awesome kids! Since emptying her nest, she has been featured in several compilation books, ezines, websites and newsletters. She can be contacted at priceless_pearl@charter.net or at www.melinda-meadow.20megsfree.com.