"I know dating is one of the transitions my daughter will go through on her journey to adulthood," single parent Patti admits with a laugh. "But I'm not sure I will ever be ready for this."

While some parents enjoy the phase when their children show an interest in the opposite sex, other parents freak out. But unless your family advocates courtship, most parents eventually face the dating game. If you are open to allowing your teens to date, you need to have a game plan.

Teaching Your Kids About Relationships

We teach our children from their earliest years how to relate to the opposite sex. The questions are, have they learned what we planned to teach them, and how can we make our efforts more deliberate?

Teach by telling and by example. Talk with your children regularly about how to treat others as you wish to be treated, to make the right choices, to respond to difficult situations, to say no and to keep one's temper under control. Part of telling children how to relate well with others includes sharing God's standards of love and respect with them. Helpful Bible passages for discussion include: Ephesians 4:29-32; Philippians 2:3-5; Colossians 3:1-17; 1 Thessalonians 4:1-9 and 5:14-23; and 2 Peter 1:3-8.

In her book 258 Great Dates While You Wait, Susie Shellenberger tells teens: "Every experience in life can teach you something. Have fun, but let the people you spend time with educate you about the opposite sex, about you and about your relationship with God." And we can help our teens do that, parents.

Teach it naturally. From the earliest years, never tease your child about the opposite sex. He will need to be able to come to you and talk frankly about these issues later. If you have laid the proper groundwork for open and serious communication, he will know where to go to get his answers.

Also, watch for the teachable moments. When your teen daughter asks you for advice on how to talk to a guy at school, seize the opportunity to explain some differences between guys and girls. Tell her, for example, that guys tend to be more concrete and want more facts. If you ask what he got on a test, he would probably answer B, while a girl might say, "B, and that makes me mad because I studied really hard." Give your daughter some ideas for pulling out more conversation from a guy that would still meet his concrete style. This small question asked by your daughter can open one of many doors for understanding much about future relationships. Be ready for those moments.

Every Effort Counts

Kathy and Harry are divorced, but they have agreed they want to show their children that good manners are important. So the two put aside their differences in front of the children and treat one another with respect.

Children decide by watching their parents whether it is acceptable to criticize, yell, tease, make fun of, belittle or hit people. When they observe negative behaviors between their parents and other adults, they often vow never to behave in those ways. But under stressful conditions, adults tend to revert to behaviors they observed when they were growing up, whether good or bad.

Times will come when your teens must confront partners about problems in their relationships. If you have taught them to communicate productively and to work through problems to a mutually agreeable solution, you have given your teens important skills for the challenges of dating.

Building positive relationships. Establishing solid relationships involves getting to know other people well. Teach your children to ask questions, to listen and to be comfortable with self-disclosure.

A second way to develop good relationships is to allow the teens to work together on projects, assignments, chores and programs. When they are involved in these activities, your children can see how others approach challenges, deal with frustrations, control emotions, solve problems and function in a partnership.

A third step is to release unrealistic expectations. If your children are often disappointed or frequently hurt or unhappy in most of their relationships, they probably have unrealistic expectations for how others ought to behave toward them. You can help your children in this area by discussing expectations and exploring whether those expectations are realistic. Unrealistic expectations must be modified or let go.

Finally, teach each child that he needs several good friends, because one person cannot meet all his needs. Your child should not abandon other friends when serious dating begins. Friendships are too valuable to throw away.

Accepting rejection. Your children will experience rejection some time during their dating experience. Rejection seems so personal, when often it is merely a question of timing, personal preferences, expectations, peer pressure, differences in lifestyles or commitment to convictions. Coping with rejection involves acknowledging the pain, spending time with other people, seeking affirmation from safe sources such as church youth groups, learning from the experience and taking time to recover.

Going on safe dates. Have frank discussions with your teens about sexual temptation before they begin even casual dating. Acknowledge God's gift of sexuality and how tempting it can be to become sexually involved. Share with your teens the dangers of premature sex and the benefits of waiting until marriage. Then help them plan safe dates.

A safe date is one that will minimize the temptation for sexual involvement. These include group activities, sports, not being home alone together and limiting the time spent kissing and hugging one another.

Your Teens Will Decide for Themselves

Regardless of what the parents do, they cannot guarantee that their teens will have positive dating relationships. Teens choose for themselves with whom they will become involved. Be faithful in preparing your children, then pray for them daily that the Holy Spirit will watch over them and bring to their minds at crucial times those things you have taught (John 14:26). After that, relax and enjoy your teens' dating years. You will survive, and so will they!

"The Dating Game" appeared in Single-Parent Family magazine.
Copyright © 1996 Bobbie Reed. All rights reserved. International copyright secured.