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11-Jun-2013 - 15:58:37
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You Don't Have to Learn the Hard Way

Becoming a parent has been the greatest learning experience of my life.  For some reason, I thought that my marriage license was the equivelant of a masters degree in the school of life. Since then I have had four kids and reality has smacked me in the face on more than one occasion.  I've learned several lessons that they fail to mention in the "How To.."books.  I'm going to let you in on a few things "the experts" fail to mention.

Lesson #1 Newborns have this sixth sense when it comes to parental sleep deprivation. They abide by some unwritten law that states that they will sleep better if one or more of their parents are awake.  Newborns are completely and totally content when their parents are sleep deprived humans walking around in a zombie-like state. Why do you think they sleep best in their carseats?

Lesson #2 Food can surpass the laws of physics once in a child's hands. A ten ounce cup of kool-aid, when spilled by a child can turn into a gallon on the floor and for some unknown reason has the ability to climb walls and run ten feet to get underneath the refrigorator. A ten ounce bag of potato chips will turn to crumbs at the touch of a child's fingertips and are magnetically drawn to the living room carpet. This makes cleaning the house a mundane task and should be left until after the kids have moved out permanently.

Lesson #3 You don't have to raise your voice to get your childs attention. Heck, you don't even have to make a sound. There are certain things that will bring your children out of the woodwork and if timed right, will get them all in the same room at the same time. Now I know it will upset you that they could have possibly left this one out.  Putting this information in a "What to expect.." book would have sent it to the best sellers list. But since they left it out, I feel it is my duty as a real parent to let you in on the folling hints:
1) Pick up the phone and dial your best friends number
2) Open a pop or a candy bar.
3) Pull out all of your scrapbooks or sewing machine
4) Start whispering to your spouse.
5) Turn on your computer

Lesson #4 You will spend all of your time doing one of the two following things: losing something or looking for something that is lost. Expect to be looking for something, namely shoes or coats, when you are in the biggest hurry and losing something when you are on vacation and it's most difficult to find or retreive the lost item.

Lesson #5 The more money you spend on clothes the less your child will wear them. They will want to wear their summer clothes in the winter and vice versa so be sure to keep seasonal clothes hidden high in the closets. Otherwise your pre-schooler will insist on wearing her swimming suit to her older brother's Christmas play. They will dress themselves in purple socks with brown pants and a red polk-a-dot shirt. My advice to you is to invest as little as you possibly can into clothes when your children are young. You'll make it up when they are teens and want the coolest most expensive brand name clothes.

For those of you with more than one child, this article may not be of much help. You've probably already learned most of these lessons the hard way. But for you first-timers or parents-to-be these lessons will be some of the best information you'll get your hands on. Just don't tell you know who!

Shannon Jarvies is a stay-at-home mom with four children.