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Vol. 2008 Issue 06 ~ June

Spring is finally arriving. My yard is turning a beautiful shade of green. So is my soul. It is spring in my soul. It’s been a long winter. And I’m not just talking about Illinois.

My husband and I went through a seventeen month crisis. Then we went through the change-y-ist year of our lives (friends moving away, church being adopted, moving to a new home in a different town, et cetera, et cetera). Then I quit my job, went to Africa, cut my hair, was dealt an emotional blow to the gut, and then somehow…somehow…the thaw has set in. Already. Thank You, Jesus. Like I said, it’s been a long winter.

I have been so very tired. So tired that I didn’t know I was tired. Ever been there? God is granting me so much rest, I feel like a kid in a candy store. (Or, in my case, an adult in a candy store…I have an unhealthy and inappropriate-for-my-age love of all things candy.)

I have been hurting. Deep in my soul hurting. God is pouring peace and comfort and grace into my soul in really sweet, intimate ways. This part hasn’t come easy. This part has been a battle. This part is not being handed to me…I’m having to work for it. I’m having to fight against false accusations that my enemy wants me to believe, but I’m saying, “nope, not this time”. And not to sound cocky, because that can be very dangerous, but right now, I’m winning. In other words, I’m feeling myself being healed. I’m feeling myself waking up.

I have been scared. Okay, maybe scared isn’t quite the right word. I was thinking I’d walk into this job-less season of life without a purpose. With people judging me and asking, “So, what do you actually fill your days with now that you’re not working?” And some people have. And I’ve smiled each time and said, “So far, nothing.” Though that’s not completely true, there’s been a freedom in proclaiming that with confidence (and seeing them squirm).

Okay, so if I haven’t been scared…what is it then? Well, maybe not a fear of being purposeless. I think I perhaps have been purposeless. For awhile now. Oh, I just figured it out. It’s not purposelessness. I’ve been multi-purposeful. And that sometimes is worse. I’ve been running in a bunch of directions. But now I’ve got time and space to just ask God, “What’s up for today?”

And here’s what’s been up for today, for the past couple of todays…I’ve been writing like a banshee. Not that banshees write. What exactly is a banshee anyway? All I recall is that they’re known for their screaming, not their writing. I just looked it up…that is not at all the analogy I want to leave you with here. So let’s just say, I’m writing like I maybe have never written before. Purpose is clarifying for me.

And I’m learning, maybe for the first time in my life, to be okay with having nothing to do. To have no guilt attached to it. The other day at breakfast, my daughter was praying, “God, help Daddy have a good day at work, help Jack and me have a good day at school, and help Mommy have a good day at home doing nothing again…(oh, wait, , she said to me, do you have Pilates?)...okay, help Mommy have a good time at Pilates and then a good day at home doing nothing again.” Can I just say, rest is delicious and up to this point in my life, I’d just been consuming it in hors d’oevres size bites, but now…now I’m stepping up to the banquet and am delighting in what I’m seeing and binge-eating my way through.

I slowed to a stop, and I was scared to…not completely sure God was leading in this or I was just ticked off with my circumstances. But it turns out that this is exactly where He wants me. Spring’s here, ladies.

Submitted on : 27-May-2008